


F.W.B.

by nommonkeypie



Category: Block B
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-08 21:18:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15938489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nommonkeypie/pseuds/nommonkeypie
Summary: It was a relief to hear the door close. That quick little snick of the lock clicking into place put his flip-flopping stomach at ease. This really needed to end. He’d known this for awhile but it always hit him hardest now, roughly five minutes after he realized he was alone in his bed again. It always happened now in the middle of the night. He know it was his own fault. That didn’t make the situation any better. Maybe it even made it worse.





	F.W.B.

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this a couple of years ago when I couldn't get Elo's song 'F.W.B.' (featuring Hoody) out of my head. It's complete/there won't be anymore.

It was a relief to hear the door close. That quick little snick of the lock clicking into place put his flip-flopping stomach at ease. This really needed to end. He’d known this for awhile but it always hit him hardest now, roughly five minutes after he realized he was alone in his bed again. It always happened now in the middle of the night. He know it was his own fault. That didn’t make the situation any better. Maybe it even made it worse.

Looking at the clock only made it worse. Too late to sleep, too early to do anything else. Well, he could always just stare at the ceiling.

This wasn’t working. In the beginning, it had seemed like the perfect solution. They were both healthy young men with busy schedules. Having a girlfriend wasn’t impossible. Yukwon was proof of that. But it was hard to date anyone. Sleeping with random people was dangerous. Career-ending levels of dangerous. And they’d figured that it’d be easy to just use each other because it’d be safe. No one would ever get hurt.

They were idiots.

He sat up, knowing just how hard it would be to attempt to sleep. How pointless that’d be. He’s just toss and turn until the others woke up and did whatever they had planned.

He could get up and start a pot of coffee. It might taste horrible but at least it’d help get him through the day.

His eyes settled on his phone.

_Let’s end this._

Setting the phone on his bed, he left it behind as he want to make that pot of awful coffee.

\---

“You look like shit.”

Jaehyo looked up from the plate of picked at food. It’d sounded like a good idea a little bit ago. Now...not so much.

“You want?” He offered, ignoring Kyung’s comment.

Kyung stared at it, a wary look on his face as if he suspected it were poisoned. “What’s wrong with it?”

Jaehyo stood, trying to fight the wave of dizziness as he did so. The lack of sleep was really hitting him. “Nothing. Just not hungry now.”

Kyung thought about it for a moment before shrugging. Taking the plate, he said, “your loss. No take backs.”

“Not a problem,” Jaehyo answered. “I’m going to try and sleep.”

Kyung shook his head. “You stayed up all night playing games again, didn’t you?”

Giving a half-hearted laugh, Jaehyo nodded. Not at all. Not even close. “Something like that,” he admitted. “Tell the others to try and keep it quiet?”

Kyung laughed. “That’s just asking them to louder than normal.”

Jaehyo closed his door instead of responding. Not that there was much he could say. Kyung was absolutely right. Requesting peace would only make the small dorm get impossibly loud. He’d been a fool to ask for quiet.

His phone was flashing, showing he had a message. He tossed the thing onto his desk with his computer. He didn’t want to see whatever message he’d been sent. Not now. Not anytime. Which was stupid considering he’d been the one to start the conversation that he didn’t want to have.

Turning to face the wall in an attempt to ignore his phone’s very existence, he closed his eyes. Exhaustion took over, pulling him to sleep almost instantly.

\---

The dorm was quiet when he woke. It was a surprise but definitely not an unwelcome one. Maybe they really had listened to the request he’d passed along earlier. Or, and this one was way more likely, they’d gone out and left him behind. He wasn’t mad about it this time. He’d asked for peace and that’s exactly what he’d gotten.

His phone was still blinking.

He should check it. By now, it was no doubt full of messages from a wide range of people.

_Fine_

Well damn. Jaehyo knew it was all on him for starting this but that was still like a punch to the gut. It wasn’t like he could go back on this now. He’d clearly reached a point of no return the moment he’d sent that first message even if that message had only been a little of how he felt. He just kind of hoped that maybe it wasn’t all one-sided. That there would be a fight to make things something...not whatever it was they were.  
He was stupid for hoping for that. The whole reason they’d started this arrangement was because it was supposed to easy to deal with, to end at some point.

_We don’t have any activities this week, do we?_

Jaehyo already knew they didn’t. It was just talking to him was an addiction that Jaehyo couldn’t bring himself to break. He knew this. He was an idiot for it and yet he couldn’t stop. Besides, he felt like he needed to make sure things between them were still light and friendly. They’d apparently agreed to stop having sex but that didn’t mean they could just walk their separate ways. They were still in the same group after all. They were part of each others lives and that wasn’t changing anytime soon.

_Not as a full group_

At least he didn’t get ignored.

Getting out of bed, Jaehyo wandered around the dorm. It felt so weird and empty when he was the only one around. He also might have been looking for clues about where the others had gone. It was just so quiet right now. Not that he minded. Right now, he really just wanted to be alone with his own head where he could be wallow in his own misery for a bit.

As if hearing him, the universe decided it needed to fix the situation. Immediately. The door to the place opened, Jihoon’s booming laugh signalling the end to the quiet.

“Oh, you woke up?” Jihoon asked, seeing Jaehyo standing in the middle of their common living area.

“Don’t sound so disappointed,” Jaehyo said, laughing. “What’s in the bag?”

“We grabbed food,” Kyung answered as he slipped past Jihoon. Taeil and Minhyuk were close behind.

Minhyuk was a surprise. Jaehyo shot the guy a questioning look. Minhyuk just shrugged. “They offered to buy food and I didn’t feel like cooking,” he answered.

Jaehyo glanced over at Jihoon. Their youngest was currently busy digging through the bags of food with Kyung. The two of them were ignoring everyone else, clearly far more interested in unpacking the containers of food they’d bought. Looking around, Taeil had apparently vanished.

Jaehyo was more than willing to bet money that Jihoon was the reason why Minhyuk had come over. The two of them had gotten closer thanks to Bastarz being a thing. It was nice to see. Minhyuk had always kind of felt like his own little island when it came to everyone else in the group. Having Jihoon around was good for him.

“There’s some for you if you want,” Kyung offered. “We got extra since Jiho’s said he’d come and would drag Yukwon with him.”

All of them in the dorm tonight. Great. Jaehyo had to fight the urge not to throw up in anxiety.

“Thanks,” Jaehyo said, trying to keep his face from showing how he really felt at the moment. Thankfully he didn’t have to say anything else because Taeil picked that moment to emerge from the room he shared with Kyung wearing the most obnoxious pants Jaehyo had ever laid his eyes on. He didn’t to ignore them. Maybe if he pretended they didn’t exist, his eyes wouldn’t feel like jumping out of his head.

“So why’s everyone coming over?” Jaehyo asked as he grabbed a drink from the fridge.

Kyung shrugged but didn’t say anything until after he swallowed the bite he’d taken. Which begged the question of when had Kyung started eating? And what? All the containers looked like they hadn’t been opened yet. “It just seemed right,” Kyung answered. “It’s been awhile since we’ve done something together that wasn’t a schedule.”

\---

He curled up in the corner of their couch. Taeil had claimed the rest of it. Right of being the oldest or so Taeil had yelled out when he’d decided to stretch out on it. Not that they were a group that put much stock in things like who was older. But it was handy at moments like this when everyone was sitting around watching a movie and Jaehyo wanted a little space. Jihoon was the only one brave enough to fuck with Taeil.

Not that everyone was even still around. Jiho had mentioned needing to go to the studio for a bit. Yukwon had left a little bit ago, plans with his girlfriend or something. Minhyuk had gone home, he hadn’t even given any sort of excuse.. So it was just Jaehyo, Taeil, Kyung, and Jihoon now. Back to normal or whatever normal around here might pass as.

“Go to bed,” Taeil’s voice said from the other end. “You look like shit. Did you even sleep? Don’t make us all sick because you can’t take care of yourself.” His voice was soft, obviously not trying to draw attention to Jaehyo. The guy might be an ass but it was moments like this that made Jaehyo like the guy. He was gruff and rude but he cared in his own special way.

“I’m not getting sick,” Jaehyo protested. He listened though, getting up and heading to his bed. He couldn’t help but feel drained after dealing with everyone. He liked the other members of Block B. They were an interesting bunch. But they were absolutely exhausting to deal with, especially when he already felt like he’d been through an emotional rollercoaster.

His phone was blinking again.

_It’s quiet here_

Jaehyo couldn’t help but stare at the message. Seeing it now was unexpected. A little unwelcome, a little not. He knew what this message was about though. He’d seen this one and ones similar to it many times.

_I’m not coming_

Staying in the dorm just made him feel trapped though. Jaehyo grabbed a jacket and headed out.

“Get some rest!” Taeil yelled as Jaehyo closed the door behind him.

_I want to be_

Jaehyo rolled his eyes. Like that wasn’t completely obvious. Apparently his request to the end things wasn’t being taken seriously. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Even if he kind of felt like falling back into the familiar routine.

_Take care of it yourself_

The response came almost immediately.

_I want you to do it_

That was about the moment when Jaehyo realized he was walking in the direction to go to the annoying ass who didn’t seem to realize that Jaehyo had been serious when he’d sent that message. Scowling, he turned and started walking the opposite way.

_What part of ‘let’s end this’ did you not get?_

Jaehyo kept walking. His knee gave an uncomfortable twinge. It was getting worse. He knew this and he knew he’d have to deal with it sooner rather than later. He just didn’t want to admit that yet.

_Just one more time?_

If Jaehyo was smart, he’d turn off his stupid phone. Or at least mute the conversation so he didn’t jump at each message. He didn’t do either of those things. He left the conversation up despite knowing it was a bad idea. If he didn’t, he’d just constantly check it anyways.

One more time. Jaehyo sighed. One more time couldn’t hurt, could it? Quitting this whole arrangement cold turkey wouldn’t be easy. The temptation he was feeling was strong. Far, far stronger than he cared to admit.

_Not now_

Jaehyo cursed himself out as soon as he sent the reply. Crap. That message definitely implied that he’d agree at some point. Not at all what he’d meant to say and he had absolutely no way to take it back either.

_Later?_

_You’re sounding desperate_

Because it was true. It was also a lot easier for Jaehyo to deflect the focus from himself. He could deal with this but only if he wasn’t the center of the attention.

He didn’t get a response. Jaehyo didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing.

Everyone was asleep by the time Jaehyo got back. That made his life easier. Mostly because he wasn’t sure how to handle this. Whatever this was.

\---

Friends with benefits. That was what their relationship was supposed to be. Well, in private between just the two of them. No one else in their circle of people knew or would ever find out. And it’d worked too. It’d worked really well for a few years.

“Hey, you okay?”

Kyung of all people was looking at him with concern on his face.

“Just great,” Jaehyo lied.

Kyung’s face said he didn’t buy that. He didn’t push things though which was nice. They weren’t that sort of group where everyone was best friends. Friendships and groupings within their group were far, far more the normal style. There were times Jaehyo wondered if he would have been better off in a different group, one that was more of picture of what an idol group was supposed to be. How different would his life have been if his knee hadn’t gotten fucked up and Cube would have kept him.

Would he have been put in BtoB? That was a wild thought to think about. He shivered a little at how weird that would have been. Block B might have their issues but they’d been the ones who’d stuck by Jaehyo. They stuff they’d been through together had definitely created a life that Jaehyo could never have imagined years and years ago. And besides, that was all in the past and he couldn’t change it now. Even if he could, he wouldn’t.

His phone chirped.

_Bored. Come over?_

Jaehyo set the phone down on the counter. It clattered louder than he expected which got Kyung’s attention. “Someone being stupid,” Jaehyo explained.

Kyung nodded but it didn’t quite look like he bought it. “Doing anything today?”

“No.” Jaehyo rubbed his knee which was still sending him all these lovely little twinges of pain. “Taking it easy today. My knee’s been bugging me lately so I’m hoping that if I do nothing for a couple of days, it’ll be fine.”

His phone chirped again.

“You even going to see who that is?” Kyung asked, looking amused at how Jaehyo was trying and failing at ignoring his phone.

“I know who it is,” Jaehyo answered, putting his hand over his phone. He didn’t think Kyung would go for it but Jaehyo would rather not risk it. Apparently that was enough to make Kyung rethink whatever had flitted through his head. Jaehyo relaxed.

Again, the phone chirped.

“Someone really wants your attention.” Kyung gave the phone another look. “Did you get a girlfriend?”

Jaehyo almost groaned. Could they please not get into this topic?

“If I did, do you think I’d be ignoring her?” Jaehyo hoped that was believable enough that Kyung would buy it.

Kyung shrugged. “Just making an observation.”

It wasn’t a surprise when the phone chirped again. Jaehyo growled softly, finally looking at the stupid thing.

_It’s not like you’ve got anything better to do_

_It’ll keep me out of trouble_

_I know you’re just trying to ignore me_

As he read the messages, another popped up.

_Fine. You’re serious about this?_

Hallelujah. Finally Jaehyo was being taken seriously. About time. Jaehyo felt conflicted as he replied.

_I am._

Jaehyo headed towards his room. He wasn’t trying to be alone but he was. This conversation he’d been trying to have for the last few days looked like it was actually happening. Nothing something he wanted to do with any of the others potentially around.

No response came. To be honest, it was annoying. But he was in his room now. Turning on his computer, he ran through his Steam library, looking for a game he could get lost in. Finding one, he opened it so he could not think about anything else for the next few hours.

“You didn’t say your knee’s been giving you issues.”

Jaehyo jumped. Which sucked because that made him smash his knee (the one that was already hurting) into his desk. Pain shot through his leg and Jaehyo saw sparks. He cursed, it being the only reasonable reaction in this sort of situation. “Knock why don’t you,” Jaehyo said through gritted teeth.

Jiho didn’t respond, at least, not verbally. He leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed. Playing up the leader role he’d been shoved into years and years ago. They’d picked a good one for it. He’d always been a good leader for their weird, wild group.

“Kyung rat me out?” Jaehyo asked as he turned his attention back to his game. He was almost done with this level and he really wanted to finish it before he did anything else.

Hearing the door close and footsteps get closer to him, Jaehyo could guess that Jiho had come into the room. Jaehyo ignored him. He just needed to get through this level because he’d already spent nearly half an hour on it and and if he didn’t finish it, he was going to do something crazy like break his keyboard out of frustration. Except this level was being a complete bitch to actually finish.

“I don’t think I’ve heard you cuss that much before,” Jiho’s voice said after Jaehyo had finally, finally had enough of that stupid game that could go burn in hell for all Jaehyo cared at this particular moment.

Jaehyo didn’t respond to that. He turned around and looked at Jiho. It hurt more than he wanted it to. “My knee is fine.” Well, other than getting bashed into his desk.

And as much as he wanted to throttle Kyung for telling Jiho about the stupid knee, Jaehyo couldn’t. If he was in any of other’s position and knew someone had an injury, he’d feel obligated to let Jiho know about it too. Better to let their leader deal with any of the hassle and backlash. Or at least, let Jiho be the one to explain to a manager and the company.

Unfortunately, Jiho wasn’t listening.

“How long has it been acting up?”

The intensity in Jiho’s eyes said just how angry he was about this. Crap. Jaehyo shifted, trying to avoid the leader’s gaze. His eyes were magnificent on a normal day and they only got more ferocious when he was in a bad mood. It was hard to lie to Jiho especially when he had that look in his eyes.

“A few weeks,” Jaehyo admitted. “Most days aren’t too bad so it hasn’t seemed like an issue.” No one had noticed him having issues so he figured he was fine. Only his own mouth (and Kyung’s honesty) had given him away.

“You told Kyung you were going to take things easy.”

Yep, he’d definitely been ratted out. Not that he really had any hard feelings towards the guy about it.

“And that’s what I’m doing.” Jaehyo debated moving to his bed. It’d be more comfortable but it had the chance of giving Jiho ideas. Ideas that Jaehyo kept trying to say were over. “I didn’t go out and do anything. I stayed here and off my leg.”

Jiho stepped closer. Jaehyo could practically feel the younger man’s breath on him thanks to how small and claustrophobic feeling the room was. And then he took a seat on Jaehyo’s bed.

“A few weeks of pain isn’t going to just go away after a few days of resting.” There was concern and pain in Jiho’s voice. Like he might actually care about Jaehyo. That was a laugh. They were colleagues and they’d had a relationship where they fucked each other so they wouldn’t have to deal with any career-ruining scandals that an outside party might bring. No feelings (except that was a Lie and Jaehyo kept ending the situation because he just couldn’t with the Lie anymore).

Hearing Jiho speak hurt. It hurt because Jaehyo knew how true the words were. “What else am I supposed to do?” Jaehyo asked, snapping. Just because he knew it was true, that didn’t mean he wanted to hear it. To admit it and actually have to deal with what that might really mean.

Was this the end? Would Jaehyo have to leave the idol life behind? That thought wasn’t the worst. But that’d mean leaving Jiho behind. Leaving the others behind. And he wasn’t ready for that. As shitty and crazy as the guys might be, they’d become his family in a fucked up sort of way. And besides, his knee was really hurting now thanks to smashing it into his desk not that long ago.

“It’s something you should have told me about earlier.”

Jaehyo hated how calm and rational and pained Jiho was sounding right now. He wished Jiho was more emotional. Dealing with the guy when his emotions were in charge made it so much easier to ignore him, to just do whatever Jaehyo wanted. Besides, he was scared to have Jiho worried about him. If Jiho worried, it would just make the feelings bubbling up inside of Jaehyo even harder to deal with.

“It’d just have given you one more thing to worry about.” Besides, their leader was always so busy anyways. It was a little weird to be getting a personal visit like this. The only times he ever got Jiho to himself were during their little arrangements that Jaehyo kept trying to put an end to.

“At least it wouldn’t be some surprise I found out from Kyung.” Still calm but at least it was becoming clear that Jiho was pissed. That little fact made it so much harder to deal with Jiho now. It made it even harder to even look at him.

Not for the first time, it was clear that they would just keep going in circles. Both of them were too stubborn to just give up. Jaehyo knew he had no plans to do so. Jaehyo leaned back in his chair, staring at their leader.

“Oh well,” Jaehyo said. The words cut him but he had a feeling that if he showed how much he was hurting, how much it pleased him to see a little bit of caring out of Jiho, that he’d never be able to escape the younger man’s magnetic pull. Or maybe it was just the pain in his knee doing the talking. Yeah, probably that one. “I’m dealing with it myself. You don’t need to worry about me.”

Not that Jiho worried about him anyways other than Jaehyo’s value to the group. Granted, Jaehyo didn’t add much to Block B other than someone for them to all gang up on and make fun of. Talk about a depressing thought.

Jiho sighed and leaned back. “Yeah but that’s kind of my job.”

“Whatever you say.” Jaehyo wanted to slap himself for acting this way. “Doesn’t change the fact that it’s my own issue.”

Glancing at the rest of his bed, Jaehyo felt a surge of annoyance. Stretching out on it sounded great right about now but he couldn’t do that. Not with Jiho on it. Doing that would just put them in danger of doing something Jaehyo really wanted.

Jiho stared, a hint of amusement in those beautiful eyes of his. “Are you trying to piss me off on purpose?”

Jaehyo shrugged. “My knee hurts.” As if that would explain everything.

And maybe it did because he saw how Jiho’s expression changed. The leader became softer and obviously concerned. He looked like he wanted to say something but didn’t know what. And there was irritation in that mix too. The whole look was amusing to say the least.

“I’m fine,” Jaehyo told him. “It’s just from you making me hit it.” He really didn’t want to get put on bed rest. Or worse, dragged to the hospital. He was answered with a growl of something that was either frustration or annoyance. Maybe both. Jiho shifted, taking over the whole bed.

Jaehyo turned back to his computer and stared at Steam. Deciding he’d rather not torture himself with the game from earlier, he opened a new one in hopes that it would be able to properly distract him. It was so hard to keep his head straight, knowing that Jiho was right there in his bed. All Jaehyo wanted to do was jump onto it and gain a release that might help him forget how shitty things were right now.

At least Jiho was quiet. Too quiet. Glancing over, it was a surprise to see that the younger man had fallen asleep. And when Jaehyo was finally done with looking at his computer, he couldn’t help but notice that Jiho was still there, sleeping deeply. He looked so young and peaceful in his sleep. The sight of him broke Jaehyo’s heart a little more.

Moving quietly, he went to the kitchen to grab something to eat. Kyung was sprawled across their couch, almost taking up the whole thing, as he watched a movie that Jaehyo didn’t recognize.

“You told him,” Jaehyo said, perching on the end of the couch. He’d decided against eating just yet and had only grabbed a glass of water.

Kyung looked up, guilt written all over his face. “Had to.” Which was the truth and Jaehyo knew it. “When did he leave?”

“He didn’t. He came to yell at me and fell asleep on my bed.” Jaehyo sighed, a little annoyed at how things had turned out.

Kyung sat up. “Seriously?” He seemed amused by this turn of events.

Jaehyo nodded. “Snoring up a storm. Go look and see if you don’t believe me.”

He wasn’t surprised to see Kyung do just that. Or when he heard Kyung’s phone click a few times, no doubt taking a few less than flattering pictures of Jiho.

“He’s not snoring,” was Kyung’s response as he settled back on the couch.

“Close enough,” Jaehyo answered. He opened the fridge. “Someone needs to go shopping.” Then again, someone always needed to go shopping. It was impossible to keep food in this place.

“Just order something or go out yourself.” Kyung looked at the tv, flipping through channels in the search for something. “I’m not getting anything for you.”

“If I leave, he’ll just throw a fit,” Jaehyo said, nodding towards his room. It was almost tempting to leave just to see Jiho’s reaction. But he couldn’t do that. He’d been mean enough to the guy already. Kyung had a point though. He could just order something.

\---

Jiho was still asleep a few hours later. It was nice to see him get some real, actual rest. Block B joked a little too often about how hard working their leader was and how he was going to work himself into the grave. The sad part was how true it was. The problem was that Jaehyo really wanted to go to bed himself.

The bad part of his brain whispered that he could just lay with Jiho. That they could curl up together on his bed like they’d done before. But he couldn’t do that. Not without sending mixed signals.

“Wake up.” It hurt to say it but he had to do it. Jiho resisted waking up and it took multiple tries to get him into a state that might even approach being called awake.

“Have a good nap?” Jaehyo asked from where he sat on the edge of his bed. “It’s time to go to bed.”

Jiho yawned as he sat up. “Seriously?” He asked, sleep making it hard for him to talk.

Jaehyo nodded. “Yeah. Kyung was in here earlier taking pictures of you.”

A scowl took over Jiho’s face. “And you let him?”

Jaehyo shrugged. “It didn’t hurt you any.” And then came the hard part. “Can I have my bed back now?”

Wrong thing to say and he knew it from the wicked grin that took over Jiho’s face. Jaehyo could guess what was going to come next.

“It’s just that,” Jiho yawned, loud and obnoxiously in a way that showed it was deliberate, “I haven’t slept this good in a long time.” He flopped back down, taking over the whole bed again. “Let me stay?”

Jiho was a weakness. Sometimes that was good. Or at least, acceptable. Or times, like now, it was an annoyance. He looked so soft and vulnerable and it made Jaehyo want to curl up in bed with him. Jaehyo had to fight that feeling and so he did it with the only tool he had (even if it hurt him to say the words).

“Haven't you stayed long enough?”

It was either the best or the worst thing Jaehyo could have said. He realized that as soon as he saw the pain and anger change Jiho’s expression. It was the sort of face someone wore when they’d just been punched. Jaehyo felt the guilt flood him in response but he tried not to let that show on his face.

He wasn’t sure how he felt, watching the mask Jiho wore in public, slip back into place. It was the one he wore when he was being professional, the one that signaled they were just members of the same group and nothing more.

“I see.” Jiho stood up, brushing past Jaehyo with a coolness that hurt. “Keep off your knee.” He wasn’t being unfriendly but he was in that mode they all knew so well. The one where he was trying to distance himself from the rest of them. They understood it and why he did it at times. Jiho had had a large burden placed on him years and years ago. If he didn’t do this, he wouldn’t have been able to survive. And without Jiho, the rest of them would have fallen too.

“And go get it checked out soon,” Jiho added before he left.

The room felt cold and wrong now that Jiho was gone. Jaehyo didn’t even have to be told to know that he’d fucked everything up. He laid down on his bed and instantly regretted it. His bed smelled like Jiho. It hurt having him all around Jaehyo but not physically having him at the same time.

It hurt. This life wasn’t for Jaehyo. He’d realized that about the same time he also realized it was too late to back out. If he could go back and redo things, he would have because this was just not a good fit for him and Jaehyo knew that one day, it would break him. The only reason it hadn’t broken him already was Jiho. Just like he knew that one day, this lifestyle was going to break their fearless leader. Because he wasn’t fearless. He was human, the same as anyone else, and Jiho was far more sensitive than anyone (besides Kyung) realized.

Grabbing his phone, Jaehyo did the only thing he could.

_I’m sorry_

After that, he groaned in annoyance at himself. It kind of pissed him off that he’d felt the need to send that. That didn’t stop him from sending another, trying to explain himself.

_I just want to sleep right now_

It took a little while to get a reply which meant Jiho hadn’t looked at his phone until he’d either gone home or to his studio.

_You made that perfectly clear_

The coolness in the response was what hurt the most. It hit hard, a lot harder than he’d expected. But then again, this was exactly why Jaehyo had felt the need to end their arrangement. Jiho had so much power over him and it wasn’t fair to either of them. They’d agreed a long time ago that there were going to be no feelings. That they would never develop anything other than a friendship because anything else was too dangerous and anyways, they were both guys.

It was hard to think straight with Jiho’s cologne surrounding him, smothering him.

_What do you want from me?_

Jaehyo knew he was an ass for sending that message. That he was the one making everything so complicated and messy. But dammit, he couldn’t help it. Something about Jiho just made his brain work all funny.

\---

Jihoon was yelling. Nothing new or particularly odd about that. It was annoying though. And apparently Jaehyo wasn’t the only one who thought so because Kyung started yelling back at their youngest.

_Be glad you moved out_

He sent along an audio clip so that Jiho would get an idea of how truly miserable dorm life still was. Like the guy didn’t know already. Besides, Jaehyo felt like he couldn’t leave things they way they’d ended last night.

A reply came quicker than expected. 

_You’re the one who still lives there_

Jaehyo laughed. He didn’t mean to. It just kind of happened.

_Home’s too far away_

It was. There was no way he could be part of Block B and live in Busan. And despite what people might think, he really did like this weird bunch of guys he’d been thrown in with. Even if two of the idiots were currently screaming like lunatics.

_You still don’t think of Seoul as home?_

Jaehyo looked at the question, a sense of sadness hitting him. He’d lived in Seoul for a long time. Anyone else probably would have started calling it home by this point.

_Busan’s home. Seoul too in a way but it’s different from Busan_

Jaehyo stared at his phone, not quite believing that he’d actually admitted that. He hadn’t even mentioned that to his own actual family. He’d thought it before but Jiho was the first he’d actually said those words to.

_They stop screaming yet?_

Jaehyo looked at his door and shook his head.

_Nope. They’re getting louder_

And if they didn’t shut up soon, he was going to kill them. He didn’t know why they were being like this but it didn’t matter.

_Tell them to shut up if you want to have a group_

Maybe they’d listen to Jiho. Jaehyo knew they weren’t going to listen to him. He laughed when he saw Jiho’s response.

_We cannot afford a ‘Jaehyo goes crazy and kills everyone’ scandal_

Jaehyo couldn’t stop laughing. He could just hear the exasperation in their young leader’s words. He smiled as he sent a quick reply.

_Tell them to stop then_

Because the idiots had definitely gotten louder. He was almost positive they were sitting just outside his door now. And he wasn’t sure but he thought he heard Taeil’s voice among them.

_Just leave. Come over to my place if it’s that bad_

It was a tempting offer. It would be quiet and Jaehyo would get a chance to just hang out for the day. Not that he hated having roommates. If he did, he would have moved out a long time ago like Minhyuk. He just hated having roommates who were in the middle of a stupid moment.

_Thought you wanted me to say off my knee?_

He knew he’d end up going. It was just a matter of time.

_I’m not driving there to get you. If I do that, you’re going to the hospital_

Jaehyo made a face at the mention of going to the hospital. No way did he want to go there. He knew he’d have to go eventually but the longer he put it off, the longer he could pretend his knee was okay and this was just a momentary flare-up.

_Fine. I’ll take a cab. Happy?_

The reply came almost instantly.

_I’d be happier if you went to the hospital_

That was not happening. Not yet. Getting it checked out was going to happy but he didn’t want to learn anymore about the situation. He was too afraid of what he might hear.

_I’ll be there in a bit. Want me to pick up anything?_

Knowing Jiho, the guy would have just a few things that mostly consisted of raymun, water, and vitamins and not much else.

_Only if you feel like it_

Which meant yes but Jiho didn’t want to actually admit it. The guy could be downright cute at times.

_Are you at your studio?_

Because as awkward as it’d be to go to Jiho’s apartment, it’d be even worse if Jaehyo was left alone. When he was alone, it was too easy to imagine what life could be like if Jaehyo were allowed to admit he’d developed feelings. If those feelings were mutual. Also, knowing if Jiho was home let Jaehyo know just how much he’d need to bring.

_Home. Poptime’s banned me from the studio for the day_

Shit. That was super not good. They all knew Jiho was a workaholic, that he worked far more than was healthy. But if he was getting banned from his studio, that meant he was spending every waking moment and then some in the place. That he’d been doing it for far too long too.

_Be there in a bit_

Jaehyo slid out of the dorm, somehow avoiding the attention of the others. He was glad. That gave him less things to try and explain. It wasn’t like he was Kyung who always had schedules and would constantly be coming and going.

He let himself into Jiho’s place.

“It’s me,” Jaehyo called out when he didn’t see Jiho immediately.

He almost ran out the door when he spotted the younger guy. Apparently Jiho had taken the time to jump in the shower. That was the only explanation. He had a towel around his neck, his hair dripping into it. And his shirt clung in the way that fabric only did when it was wet. When Jiho noticed him, the guy stopped and stared back at Jaehyo.

Jaehyo had no idea what to say. Maybe it would have been easier if Jiho had been in the studio after all.

“What’d you bring?” Jiho asked, nodding towards the bag in Jaehyo’s hand.

“Some beer,” the older answered. “And some snacks.” Neither one of them were big drinkers but he thought maybe the beer would help this be not so awkward. Kicking his shoes off, Jaehyo entered the apartment and set the bag down on the counter.

Jiho gave a little nod, looking at the bag with passing curiosity. Jaehyo found it hard to keep his eyes off Jiho as the guy rubbed his hair with the towel. That shirt clung so tightly too. He had to have just gotten out of the shower. Jaehyo swallowed hard at the thought. And then Jiho caught his eyes and smirked. “See something you like?”

Well that ruined everything. Made it absolutely worse too because Jiho had caught him in the act of staring. Jaehyo knew he had to figure out some sort of plausible lie and fast. So he went with the only thing he had. “Just enjoying the quiet.”

A pout spread across Jiho’s face. He looked so good when he pouted. It was not fair. “I see how it is.”

“You used me for my bed,” Jaehyo shot back, hoping he just came across as teasing.

From the sparkle in Jiho’s eye, he heard and understood the teasing. “No, I fell asleep,” Jiho answered as he started pulling stuff out of the bag. “It just happened to be on your bed.”

Jaehyo stepped to the side, making himself flat against the wall. That didn’t stop Jiho from brushing up against him. Jaehyo’s stomach clenched and he wondered why in the world he’d thought this was a good idea. If he was smart, he’d turn around and leave.

Instead, he sat on Jiho’s couch. He couldn’t help but notice the blanket and pillow on it that looked like they’d been used. Recently. “Speaking of beds,” Jaehyo said, gesturing towards the things.

Jiho had the decency to look embarrassed. “It’s better than my bed,” he said as he walked over and sat next to Jaehyo. “My bed feels too empty.”

The meaning behind the words was clear even if the words were confusing. For the first time ever, Jaehyo wondered if he’d been the only one who’d caught feelings. Was Jiho struggling with the same emotions that were driving Jaehyo out of his mind?

There wasn’t much to do. Jiho turned on the tv, putting on something that looked like it might be a drama repeat. Not that Jaehyo knew for sure. He’d never seen this show before and from the way Jiho wasn’t really watching it, the other didn’t recognize it either. They didn’t speak. It felt awkward and Jaehyo was wishing he’d grabbed a can of beer so at least he could sip from that instead of feeling the weight of the silence press against him.

Jiho shifted, resting his head against Jaehyo’s shoulder. Not quite on it but definitely enough to make the move feel intimate in an unexpected, stomach fluttering sort of way. And it only got worse.

“What do you want?”

There was a tired edge to Jiho’s voice. He sounded as exhausted and drained as Jaehyo felt which was nice in a way but it didn’t do wonders for Jaehyo’s growing guilt complex. And it was funny but the question came as a surprise. It shouldn’t have. This was what Jaehyo had been attempting to figure out for days now.

“I…” Jaehyo wasn’t sure what to say. Jiho’s hair on his shoulder was making Jaehyo’s shirt damp. And his hair smelled nice which made Jaehyo’s head spin. Jaehyo sighed. “I don’t know,” he finally admitted, not sure if he was talking more to Jiho or himself.

Jiho snorted in amusement. “No shit.” He shifted, sliding down Jaehyo’s side more but still touching him. “You’re becoming the king of mixed signals.”

Ouch. Jaehyo winced at the comment. Was that really how Jiho saw him? There was probably truth in it though. Jaehyo knew he’d been an ass who couldn’t figure out anything when it came to Jiho.

“Sorry.” That was all he could say and Jaehyo knew it wasn’t enough.

Jiho laughed a little but didn’t move. “It’s pretty fucked up, hyung.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Jaehyo said again, feeling the tug of a smile on his lips. He wasn’t a huge fan of the group messing with him but it felt different when Jiho was the one teasing him. With Jiho, the teasing always felt light-hearted and not like he was trying to push Jaehyo beyond his limits. “I’m not really a good hyung.”

“Shitty hyung to me anyways,” Jiho said, nodding his head in agreement. It hurt because it was true. That the others (as annoying as they might be) were treated better because Jaehyo didn’t care as much about them. They couldn’t hurt him in the same sorts of ways.

Strange. This whole situation was weird. This was something he knew they’d needed to do for days now. Hell, he’d been trying to set it up and do it and had been avoided. But here they were, skirting around the elephant in the room like they were afraid it’d crush them. And maybe that’s why they didn’t want to talk about it.

“Like you’re all that great at respecting your elders…” Jaehyo teased, trying to avoid the panic he felt at what he knew he needed to say. “I like you.”

It hurt to say. Fuck it was so hard to say those actual words and he knew they weren’t enough. He was going to have to clarify which would only make this harder. And Jiho was quiet, not saying anything which didn’t help but did all at the same time.

“Like is...like more than I should,” Jaehyo added, trying fight the urge to throw up. “I like you more than just being able to…” he swallowed the hard lump that’d formed in his throat, “to fuck and move on like you’re able to do.”

Yep. Kill him now. This was an absolute mess and Jaehyo knew he’d botched it up beyond repair. And dammit, Jiho still wasn’t saying anything. He knew the guy wasn’t asleep. Jiho’s breathing kept changing too much for that to be the case. But it wasn’t like that told Jaehyo much either.

Jaehyo shrugged, trying to move Jiho’s head off his arm. He wanted to go and it was hard to do anything with the smell of Jiho’s shampoo in his face. Anything to get out of this place, to get some space so that he might actually be able to think. Jiho shifted, placing his head back on Jaehyo’s shoulder. Pinning him to the couch.

Jaehyo swallowed hard.

“Jiho…” he drew out the name in hopes that the younger guy would understand. That he’d get just how hard this was for Jaehyo and that Jaehyo had realized just how badly he’d fucked everything up. That this was the only thing Jaehyo could do to even attempt to fix things.

“Stay.”

The request, no, the order hit Jaehyo hard. He knew that he shouldn’t read into it. Jiho was just sending mixed messages too, giving Jaehyo a taste of his own medicine. It was just that Jaehyo was finding it hard to move after telling Jiho all that and hearing that one little hope-inducing word that was beyond cruel because of the sheer amount of hope it held.

“Stay,” Jiho repeated, his voice softer this time. “Okay?”

Jaehyo stopped, unable to get his body to listen to him. “I can’t keep trying to do this,” he tried explaining, wishing Jiho would understand just how difficult this was for Jaehyo.

“Then stop trying to do it,” Jiho said. He shifted, looking up at Jaehyo. The younger man’s face was uncomfortably close. Jaehyo could make out all the little blemishes, the pores, in his skin that made Jiho feel more real. Any chances of leaving fled as Jiho went on. “Just stay with me right now.”

Ouch. Jiho was definitely doing this on purpose. It was hard to fight though when all Jaehyo’s body wanted to do was melt.

Jaehyo tried again, knowing this was it. He didn’t have the strength in him to continue to explain it. “I can’t just turn it off, Jiho.” He hated himself for it but he rested his cheek against Jiho’s hair, enjoying that delicious smelling shampoo far more than he knew he should. “I’ve been trying to for a while now and I just can’t do it.” That’s why he’d been trying to end their arrangement. The only hiccup? Jiho was so stupidly stubborn that he didn’t see just how much this situation had gotten out of hand.

Funny. They’d never actually dated but this was the closest they’d ever come to approaching something that might almost pass for a relationship.  
“Stay the night with me,” Jiho requested. The look in his eyes said something that Jaehyo couldn’t read. “Just tonight. That’s all I’m asking.”

Jaehyo felt a part of himself die as he nodded. He was just too tired to fight himself and his feelings right now.


End file.
